What it means to be Australian...

We came across two versions of "what it means to be Australian"...

1. What it means to be Australian

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION... In ONE year!

142 Aussies were injured by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Aussies were injured by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
8 Aussies had serious burns trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally...

In 2000, eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

PROUD TO BE AUSTRALIAN

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2. You know youre Australian when...

1. Youre familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry OBrien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch.

2. You know that Burger King doesnt exist. Its Hungry Jacks.

3. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes its even fake.

4. You know the difference between thongs and a G-banger.

5. You know that "stubbies"are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a "gimp", "bogan"or "geezer"is a random idiot, someone in trouble is in "strife"and youre liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting"for something.

4. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.

5. You know that some ppl pronounce "Australia"like "Strayla"and thats ok.

6. You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop"located in the middle of nowhere... no matter where you actually are.

7. You know that while we call our friends mates, we dont use terms like sheilas and shrimp on the barbie, contrary to popular belief.

8. You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

9. You know that if a man has sex with another man, hes a homosexual, and (until recently), a criminal in Tasmania.

10. You resent people who succeed over others- everyone should do the same thing, so we all get a "fair go"; a kind of American-dream in reverse. This is why we actively like not liking Americans.

11. Youve seen Gallipoli, Crocodile Dundee, Young Einstein, Muriels Wedding, The Castle, Priscilla, Beneath Clouds, Strictly Ballroom, 40,000 Horsemen, and maybe even Wolf Creek.

12. It makes you happy when someone in Hollywood is actually Australian... Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russel Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Baz Lurham, Elle MacPherson, Olivia Newton-John, Midnight Oil, AC/DC, INXS, Greg Norman, Cathy Freeman, Dawn Fraser, Pat Rafter, Ian Thorpe...

13. One word: Skippy.

14. You know that Sydney 2000 was one of our proudest moments in history. We just f...g rock.

15. You know that you are not going to die of cholera or other Third World diseases.

16. You know our country has never been conquered by a foreign nation (you dont count 1788).

17. We know that the Metric system will always be better than anything inches, feet, pounds and Fahrenheit will ever offer

18. You drive on the left-hand side of the road.

19. If youre a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them. Hit and runs just arent cricket because Aussies stick together.

20. You think of Australia as being somewhat out of place within the Asia-Pacific region; surrounded by unstable ex-colonial nations who regard you as racist, imperialist, and unfairly wealthy.

21. You know that New Zealanders are basically our naive country cousins, who have a weird fush-and-chups accent, and for some bizarre reason, think that they invented pavlova. They are to be pitied and laughed at. They have no hope of gaining the upper hand in the endless sporting rivalry between our two nations.

22. You know that you cant eat Fantales alone... Otherwise who will you play the Who am I... game with when youre reading the wrapper?

23. You know that Sydney should be the capital because Canberra is a hole. *This goes to prove 23. was written by a Sydneysider, although all Aussies except Canberrians think Canberra is a hole!

24. You know that Americans think were all Steve Irwin clones, and crickey, they couldnt be more wrong.

25. You know that Lawyers wear wigs and gowns. And we make it look good.

26. You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

27. You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread... and actually grow to like it. Youve also squeeze Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

28. You believe that democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of good ol Johnny Howard

29. You think footballers dressing up in drag on TV is funny (but your son being gay isnt).

30. You have the ability to compress several words into one - ie gday and dreckn?. This allows more space for profanities.

31. Youve ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place bloody in front of it when you REALLY mean it.

32. You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man, and women make the salad.

33. The private lives of footy and cricket players become more important than local and national news stories.

34. You say no worries quite often, whether you realise it or not.

35. You know what fairy bread tastes like, and you cant imagine your childhood without it.

36. You know the first verse to the national anthem, but still dont know what "girt"means, and youre ok with that.

37. Youve drunk your tea/coffee/Milo through a Tim Tam.

38. You know that backyard cricket is a nice way to bond with family and the rubbish bin. And the one bounce, one hand rule always applies.

39. You know that we are home to the just about all of the worlds deadliest of animals. Thats why if anybody messes with us well get some funnel webs on their asses.

40. You see people walking bare-foot on the sidewalk and dont scorn.... because youre doing it too.

41. You know what trop-fest is and it makes you happy.

42. Sausage rolls and meat pies. End of story.

43. You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok and have offered advice that included the words, "shell be right, mate".

44. You have a story that somehow involves an excessive consumption of goon... but you cant remember.

45. You own a Bonds chesty. In several different colours.

46. Youve ordered a steak the size as your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.

47. You know that Italy should never have been granted that fateful kick in the 2006 Soccer World Cup.

48. You know how to slip, slop, slap like its nobodys business.

49. Youve heard the Prime Minister dismiss anyone who disagrees with him simply as un-Australian, and thats enough to make us sit down and shut up.

50. You know that the value of a public holiday is measured in terms of alcohol. God bless the Queen and her 4-day birthday.

And right now you feel bloody awesome.

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